Remember
by Taz11
Summary: When Claire received some bad news, how will she and Luke cope. Cluke loving, but not fluff. Please R&R - cheer me up


**Remember**

"I'm sorry Miss Guildford but that fact is that we've done extensive tests and all the results have come back positive and conclusive. There's nothing more that we can do except monitor the progression of the leukemia and adjust the pain relief accordingly." Claire just sat there, holding Luke's hand tightly and staring at the Consultant in disbelief. "And there's absolutely nothing that can be done to cure it" asked Luke, trying to make sense of the news imparted by the doctor minutes previous. The Consultant shook his head regretfully, looking at the young couple in front of him. "I'm so sorry" he answered "but the results show that the leukemia has progressed too far for surgery to be feasible. All we can really do is monitor the situation day by day."

"How long?" Claire asked tentatively. Luke's hand instinctively tightened around hers, almost as if he was trying to give her his strength. "It's not possible at this stage to…" the Consultant began, but Claire interrupted him. "Don't give me that whole weeks, months, years scenario" she cried impatiently. "I'm a nurse for God's sake, I know that you must have some idea of how long I've got until…." Here she trailed off, the enormity of the situation suddenly becoming clear to her. "Just how long?" she whispered, looking hopefully at the Consultant. "I'm sorry" he replied "but as you said, it could be months or even years. However, the speed at which the leukemia has spread means that we are probably looking at weeks here. I would say around 6 – 10 weeks" Claire's cry interrupted his speech, and Luke wrapped his arm around her shoulder, drawing her close and holding her tight. "But with treatment" he continued, looking at the couple "if started immediately, there's a good chance that you could still be with us in months, maybe even a couple of years." Claire shook her head immediately, looking up at Luke momentarily before turning back to the Consultant. "No treatment" she replied, closing her eyes briefly and taking a deep breath, as if drawing on some inner strength that she had deep inside. "It's not going to be cured, you've already said that. I just want to live my life….not be reliant on drugs and treatments until the…..until. I just want to live."

"But Claire…" Luke began, only to be cut off when his girlfriend looked up at him. "No Luke" she replied, fighting back the tears that threatened to overflow at any moment. "It's my life…what's left of it anyway" she commented with a wry smile "and I want to live it. I don't want to be stuck in a hospital bed, attached to drips and not knowing whether I'm here half the time. I want to be with you, and my friends…" here she paused, looking into his eyes "and I want you to be there for me" she ended, whispering softly. Luke nodded, and turned back to the Consultant, who regarded Claire for a second before smiling sadly. "I think you've made the right choice" he said softly. "Not that the treatment wouldn't help but….if that's your choice, then at least let me prescribe some painkillers. Nothing heavy-duty" he continued quickly, as Claire went to protest "but something to help if it gets too much." Claire nodded slowly, before standing up. "Thank you" she said simply, before turning to leave. Luke remained behind for a moment, the devastation in his eyes clear to the doctor as he faced him for the first time during their meeting. "How long….seriously?" he choked, the pain in his eyes compelling the Consultant to give a direct answer "I think….6 weeks if she's careful" he replied gently. "But she must certainly stay away from the hospital and any public places if that is the case. Even a cold could shorten her life dramatically." Luke swallowed hard, and then nodded, holding out his hand to shake the Consultant's. "Thank you…for being honest" he commented softly, looking out the door to where Claire stood, staring into space. "I'd say it was my pleasure but…." he commented sadly, before taking a card from his desk "these are my direct contact numbers. If she gets worse, or if you need me for **any**thing, I'm always available". Luke nodded once and then left the office, wrapping his arm around Claire as they headed out of the hospital.

"You know what the Consultant said Claire" Luke stated impatiently. "If you go into the hospital, you could catch anything. For god's sake, I've only got a few weeks with you anyway" he sobbed, unable to meet her gaze "is it so bad that I just want to keep you here where I know you'll be safe." Claire wrapped her arms around him, holding him close as he sobbed quietly. "I know" she whispered softly, making him look at her "but I **have** to do this Luke. All my friends are there, they need to know. And I want to be the one to tell them…make them understand. But I need your help" she said softly, resting her forehead against his "I can't do all this on my own. I need you to be strong for me, I'm gonna need your strength to get through this."

Luke gazed at her for a moment and then nodded slowly, brushing her hair out of her face gently. "Ok, but let me go and tell them" he whispered, looking into her eyes. "It'll be easier for you…and them, if they hear it from me. You know I'm right" he added, trying to joke with her, before becoming serious again. "I just think…if you tell them, they won't know how to act. But if it's me….well, they won't have to put on such an act." Claire thought about this for a moment before nodding slowly. "Okay" she answered eventually "but tell them to come and see me won't you. I need my friends, especially now that…" she trailed off, looking at Luke. He nodded before pulling her close and kissing her lingeringly, as if trying to make a memory of their kiss for when….shaking his head to clear that thought he stood up slowly, reluctantly letting go of Claire's hands as he prepared himself for the task of telling their friends the news that still didn't seem real to him.

"Erm, sorry, Josh, everyone…sorry, can I have you in the staffroom for a moment….Bex, Sam" Charlie did his usual sheepdog act, guiding everyone through to the staffroom where Luke was stood against the counter, staring into space. After checking everyone was there, Charlie closed the door behind them, before leaning against the lockers at the far end of the room. He had an idea that he might need the support before Luke had finished, the fact that Claire wasn't with him worrying Charlie more then he would let on. After a couple of moments, Luke lifted his head, gazing round the room before clearing his throat awkwardly. "I'm sorry to drag you all in here…I'm sure you'd much rather be working, I know I would…but Claire asked me to do this so … here I am." Here Luke paused for a moment, noting the uncertain look on their colleagues faces. Taking a deep breath he continued. "Claire went to see a Consultant today. He…gave us some news that will affect all of you, and we felt that, as our friends, you should know. Claire's…Claire's got Leukemia. She's dying" he continued quickly, already anticipating the comments about it being treatable. "The cancer's too advanced to be treated, and it's simply a waiting game." He broke off, fighting back the tears that were threatening to overwhelm him and avoiding looking at any of their friends. He'd heard Nina's cry already, and it was breaking his heart to do this. "They say….they say it's only a matter of weeks until…the end, and so Claire won't be returning to work." The sheer futility of that statement caused Luke to sob, knowing that in a few weeks she wouldn't be returning anywhere. Lowering his eyes, he took another deep breath before looking round the room. "I've got a message from Claire for all of you…she asks that you don't forget about her just because she isn't around to annoy the hell out of you…and that you keep her up to date with all the gossip; just because she's….doesn't mean she isn't interested." Luke finished, before seeking out Charlie in his crowd of listeners. "Charlie, can you…" he trailed off, as the tears finally threatened to overwhelm him. Charlie nodded and Luke gave a weak smile of thanks before escaping the barrage of questions he knew were about to be asked.

Leaning against the wall outside the entrance to A+E, Luke finally allowed himself to cry. Telling the staff had just made everything so real, he was actually going to lose his Claire. Working as a paramedic he'd become used to observing the grief of others, had almost become detached from it. But now…now he was the one who couldn't do anything, and the feeling of helplessness threatened to overwhelm him yet again. 6 weeks…his legs gave way suddenly as the reality set in, and he slid down the wall, burying his head in his hands. 6 weeks would be their first year anniversary, they'd been joking about it only that morning. She'd reckoned if she started reminded him now then he might actually have arranged something by the time it came arranged. Now the sheer enormity of the situation that they…that he was facing caused the bile to rise in his throat and he pushed himself up, stumbling a few paces before vomiting in the flowerbed. Leaning a shaky arm against the wall to support himself, he looked up as he heard footsteps beside him. "I thought I said…." he began reproachfully, only to be cut off by her fingers pressing against his lips. "I don't care" she murmured softly, wrapping her arm around him and guiding him to a nearby bench, helping him to sit down. "I thought I was the one who was ill" she joked, holding him close. "I'm sorry" he replied, tangling his fingers in her hair gently "I didn't mean for you to see me like this…I didn't mean you to know." Claire just shook her head despairingly at him, smiling slightly.

"Claire? CLAIRE?" Luke called, desperately trying to get some reply from her. She hadn't been well last night, had complained of a headache and feeling hot, and so she'd gone to bed early, said she'd sleep it off. When he'd come up he'd found her lying half out of bed, moaning feverishly. He hadn't been able to raise her, and in desperation now, he grabbed the phone, dialing 999. Giving the necessary details to the operator, he ran downstairs to open the door for the paramedics before heading back upstairs to Claire, attempting to get some response from her. 5 minutes later, the sound of the sirens impelled him to leave her again. Reaching the door he was relieved to see Woody and Josh jumping down from the ambulance and heading towards him. Whilst Josh and Woody had done the preliminary obs and got Claire ready for the short journey into Holby A+E, Luke dialed her consultant with trembling fingers. He gave him brief details on what had happened and after arranging for him to meet the ambulance when it arrived at Holby he hung up, as Luke and Woody came out of their room carrying Claire. "You ready Luke?" asked Josh, as they lifted Claire into the ambulance gently. Luke nodded, jumping in behind Woody and holding Claire's cold hand in his tightly. His paramedic training came to the fore as he checked the monitors and his heart plummeted as the readings registered. Looking over at Woody he could see the same despair written in his eyes, and he knew then that they'd lost the battle.

"I want you to take me home. Please Luke" Luke groaned softly, refusing to meet her eyes. Claire reached out weakly, grabbing his hand and forcing him to look over at her. "Luke…I'm dying" she said huskily, the oxygen tubes in her nose causing her voice to sound drier then usual. "And we know it's just a matter of hours now. I don't want to die here" she gestured to the cold sparse hospital room where she'd been placed. "And you did promise." She finished on a pleading note, knowing that he couldn't resist. Luke took a deep breath before meeting her eyes. "Alright" he agreed reluctantly, taking her frail body in his and holding her gently. "But ..."

"No buts" she interrupted, lifting her head to kiss him gently. "I want these last hours to be about us."

He held her tight in his arms, the tartan blanket wrapped tight around her to keep the damp morning air from her as much as possible. They sat on the ground, her head resting on his chest and their hands entwined, just looking. Her breathing had gradually become more laboured since she'd stopped using the oxygen and they both knew the end was coming. He kissed her hair softly, inhaling her scent and adding it to the many memories he'd acquired over the last few weeks, knowing that after today they would be all that he had of her. "Luke" she whispered, tilting her head back to look at him. "I love you" she continued, squeezing her hands in his. "I just want you to remember that..." she broke off, coughing painfully, before lying back against his chest, exhausted. "I love you, and I'm always gonna be looking out for you. You just make sure you find someone to take care of you" she ended, looking up at him briefly before returning her gaze over the River Avon to where the sun was rising. Luke closed his eyes briefly, before squeezing her hands gently. They sat there in silence, just watching the sun rise from behind the hills. Claire coughed again painfully and Luke gathered her small body in his arms, pulling her close against his body. "Claire...I don't…I can't…I…Oh god Claire… I…" Claire placed her fingers on his lips softly, stopping his babbling. "Are you always this articulate" she murmured hoarsely, causing them both to laugh softly at the memories that raised. Luke pulled her body closed to his, trailing kisses over her face softly. As the sun broke over the crest of the hills, flooding sunlight over the couple, Luke looked down at Claire. "Claire" he murmured softly, taking her hand in his "Come on sweetheart, time to go. Claire" he called again, shaking her gently. Her body lay gently in his arms, and the lack of resistance confirmed his worst thoughts. Kissing her forehead gently, he settled back down on the grass, holding her close to him. "You just have a little sleep then" he murmured tearfully, cradling her close. "You sleep well, my angel, sleep well".

_Remember me when I am gone away,  
Gone far away into the silent land;  
When you can no more hold me by the hand,  
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.  
Remember me when no more day by day.  
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:  
Only remember me; you understand  
It will be late to counsel then or pray.  
Yet if you should forget me for a while  
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:  
For if the darkness and corruption leave  
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,  
Better by far you should forget and smile  
Than that you should remember and be sad  
_

"Claire chose this poem. She said it was how she wanted us to think when she was gone. When we found out…that she was ill, and that the chances of recovery were slim, the first thing Claire did when we got home was grab her favourite book of poetry and find this poem. She told me that it was how she had always wanted to be remembered, with smiles instead of tears…" Luke broke off, taking a deep breath to steady his voice and looking into the congregation. He searched it briefly, locating Nina and Abs sitting near the front, Nina sobbing quietly into Abs' shoulder as he held her close. Bex sat alone, further back, wearing a detached air that Luke knew was a cover for the pain she was feeling. Although Claire and she hadn't always seen eye to eye, he knew that Bex had been a close friend of Claire's and she was missing her already. Charlie, Baz, Duffy, Lara, Patrick all sat together, with various other members of Holby A&E sat around.

Luke turned to look at the picture of Claire that had been placed on top of her coffin before turning back to the congregation. He glanced down at his notes, then found a solitary spot at the back of the church and focused on it, knowing that to meet any of his colleagues eyes would be to destroy his already fragile façade of survival. "Claire was special" he began his voice as steady as it had been since … he'd said goodbye. "She was a wonderful nurse, and a great friend, and everybody here today will testify to that. She …she had a marvelous sense of humour, and often used it to play jokes on her friends, although I'm not sure if everyone who was on the receiving end of her jokes would agree with me there." He smiled slightly, memories coming back to him. "But most of all she was….well, she was Claire. And to try and describe her would be impossible. She was…she was…" Luke faltered slightly as he felt tears well up in his eyes. He wanted to tell them how much he loved her, how hard it was to go on without her, how she really had been his everything. But he knew that they didn't want to hear about him, they were there to remember Claire. And he suddenly heard her, almost as if she was stood beside him. "Are you always this articulate" she smiled, laughing quietly. He looked over his shoulder quickly, almost as if to remind himself that she was gone. And then he realized. "Claire was, and still is, a part of all of us. Because it's impossible to forget somebody **that **special, somebody who touched millions of lives, if only for a moment. Oh I'm not saying she was perfect, anyone who knew Claire would agree with me there, when she had her moments, she had them in style. But I know that wherever she is now" and here he directed a teasing glance up at the sky "she's looking down on us all and laughing. Because we're all sat here remembering her, and she's the centre of attention. Where she always wanted to be. And where she always was."


End file.
